Searching the Union Part Two

Atlanta, Georgia. A black crackhead came my way and glanced at my Jonny Quest tattoo and unearthed a twenty minute dialogue about 60's cartoon programming. He finally came out with his plea for money for some public urination ticket. My small budget did not extend any sympathy for him, sadly. He was also a Thundercats fan. He couldn't remember which cat was "the brother."
Wealthy Whore Entertainment played the show in Atlanta. Sex enthusiasts that use dildos for percussion sticks and wear sex ready apparel. A fan of theirs-a lady wearing a schoolgirl costume and granny panties-offered me advice about sexual liberation and freedom. Your friends can be assholes sometimes.
Faygo: the official drink of all Juggalos. Lalo, an ex-Juggalo, bought a bottle somewhere in the South.
Florida. We arrived to Pensacola to hear about hurricane warnings and tropical storms ready to fuck shit up in the orange license plate state. The rain was heavy there and the weather, interesting.
Our hosts in Pensacola took us to Hobo Beach. Its a nice secluded area with a big fucking tree and dead jellyfish on the shore, quadriplegic jellyfish. If you rubbed them, they would remind you of glow sticks I'm sure. A note on Pensacola. It apparently has the most churches per square mile. I guess its retaliation for the influx of old Jews populating the state.
The great Mississippi River again. Its such a behemoth of a landmark. A public cemetery for the tides of our country's past, and all that jazz.
Hobomouth at the Parlor in Austin. Its the hottest pizza parlor in the world, sweating my shit like an endured servant. The pizza was good and the pints of Lonestar were overpriced, I thought. Allen Idle played an awesome set. Hearing his work in MJ's car didn't compare to his live performance. Burying the demons one song at a time.
Joe, Dave, Geoff, and myself and some other friends went downtown. I had my first Irish car bomb; yummy. We met up with everyone's favorite, Erik, and Emmanuel. We went to Beauty Bar and caught a lot of El Paso peeps. Lots of fun and laughs. I later masturbated for the first time in nine days at a house in the outskirts of Austin, and we had Freebirds. The shower where I touched myself was small so I felt awkward, and suicidal.
Geoff's always trying to unbutton guys shirts. I know he has a thing for me. I tried to kiss him but I couldn't; I cherish our friendship too much to ruin it.
Our last stop was San Antonio where everyone had their best sets. It was the best way to end the tour. We left at 1:30am. Ten hours to home. We gave our thoughts about the tour on the drive. It was fun to recap on all the emotional bullshit and great times we all shared.
I made some lists of things on the tour. Here they are:
Cool Words: Dixie, Diva
People that died while on tour: Bernie Mac, Isaac Hayes
Top bands I saw on tour: 1) Necrobeast 2) Jonesin' 3) Hobomouth 4) The Anchor 5) WWE

Searching the Union Part One

Vans for homes. Dave, Joe, Geoff, Aaron, Lalo, Cody, MJ, Myself, and a dog with a huge vagina, Pende, embarked on an eleven day tour of the East Coast and the South. It was a life changing experience that broke emotional and geographical barriers. We drove through and visited the listed states: Texas, Arkansas, Tennessee, Ohio, West Virginia, Virginia, Pennsylvania, Washington D.C., Maryland, Delaware, New Jersey, New York, North Carolina, South Carolina, Georgia, Alabama, Florida, Mississippi, and Louisiana. Here are some memorable pictures from those places.
We were in Little Rock, Arkansas for, like, half an hour. We saw a lot of tall t's and a bitch-ass girl fight inside a McDonalds. The girls were ruthless. We were always getting lost and/or needing directions and McDonalds is a sure thing for WiFi.
Somewhere in the South, Lalo got himself a rub-on tattoo.
In Cincinnati, we went to White Castle. It was the biggest fast food disappointment of my life.
So apparently I look like Jon Lovitz, Jason Biggs, Ringo Starr, and now a fucking bear. They have the 2nd amendment joke, the right to bear arms.
Yuengling Lager is the coolest beer I had on tour. I first had it in Pittsburgh for a dollar a draft at Howlers Cafe. We had it again in Richmond.
Aaron at Ramakin's in Richmond. Richmond sucks, I'm sorry, it does. We were there for two fucking days. I paid a night charge to see Pineapple Express, which also sucked. But it was an experience, of course, and again we slept in parking lots. The Buckeye way!
We drove to our nations capital. We couldn't find parking, so we just drove around until we got sick of it. This is one of the few pictures I took while in the lions den. That is one huge lobster.
The Delaware Bridge. On our way to New York. Too many fucking tolls, and bastard directions.
We met up with Arto, Daniel, and Arto in Soho. It was a great time and I now love NYC! The ladies were smoking; everyone looked like Zooey Deschanel.
Somewhere on the road, we landed ourselves in the town of Goochland. I don't remember what state. Apparently, the worst toilet in history is located in Goochland.
Part Two coming soon.

Tennessee

One day in Tennessee. Charles and BA told me how awesome a state it is, the best some conclude. But the Lonestar will always be my kingdom. We arrived in Memphis and went to the visitors center where I took a myriad of pictures. Little did I know I had no film in my camera!
I believe the great city of Memphis bought the pyramid from Stargate and brought it down south.
The Mississippi River is quite a view. Reminiscent of the great novels that paved our roads and identities in our country. A fucking dirty river from the Memphis landscape. Syringes, wow!
I found this smelly frame in the water. I carried it around downtown till I realized we would have to endure that smell in the van for another 10ish days. The frame still resides in Memphis.
We found a bodega and a liquor store, bought some PBR and necessities for sandwiches and drove to Nashville. On the drive we got drunk and heard retold sex stories and other embarrassing anecdotes. Nashville arrived and By Tomorrow, Aaron, Pende, and I headed downtown. There's this alley downtown that's practically a red light district. Public drinking among other departures from the law. We then went exploring and went through many Honky Tonk intersections. Not my style but very enticing and a new environment.
We returned to sin alley when downtown didn't suit our thirst for whatever. A sign read, "Nude Karaoke." I immediately thought, naked girls with mics singing Journey; or at least ourselves naked on a stage singing ballads. But it was a goddamn strip club. False advertising, I know!
It was my first American strip club. The times in Juarez, Mexico were awkward and uncomfortable for me and here was no different. The girls had behemoth nipples, like, coaster size, and bad teeth.
I was stuck talking to one girl who was trying to get a rise out of me, and perhaps, purchase a lap dance. I played dumb and broke. That song "I'll be waiting...Time after time," from the 90s came on the PA. She started to converse about the song and how that was the remix. I tried to share her enthusiasm and finally got the idea to go to the bathroom. I walked toward the bathroom to at least wash my hands but wasn't allowed. My prognosis: The big black guy safeguarding the bathroom was negotiating the sale of sexual favors in the bathroom, maybe drugs, maybe baseball cards. Who knows!
I returned to my seat and the nuisance of a stripper left. The next girl came on. She was decent, I guess, but had Green Day playing during her performance. She later asked my friend, Geoff from By Tomorrow, if he and I were Jewish. Yes, the nose is a hint. I also saw my first black vagina. Nothing impressive. It reminded me of a burnt hot dog bun. After finally getting bored, we decided to leave. By the exit was a nice simple buffet of meatballs and chicken nuggets. The only severance from this awkward fest. The meatballs made the ten dollar cover worth it.
I love Tennessee!